True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
