I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
