How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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