Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize