Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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