if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if only i could text you this smell
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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