There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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