nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
