It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
