I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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