i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
