So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
