Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
