She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
