did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
