once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
