I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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