I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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