My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
