I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
