last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
