is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize