Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
