dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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