I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
