is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
