This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
