You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The adults are the big ones right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
