nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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