u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
