Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
