Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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