were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
