you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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