Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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