if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
