I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
