Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
