At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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