there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
