Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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