I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
