her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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