I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
