I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
