Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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