I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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