I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can you bring me the toilet please
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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