I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
