based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
