I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
