I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
