HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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