So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
