The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
