I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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