I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
