My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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